I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
