How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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