There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The air was thick with penises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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