just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
