Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The ass gains better be worth it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
