rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
