i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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