This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
