Pants 0. Shit 1.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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