Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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