She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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