you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
