6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
