kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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