Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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