so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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