Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
