I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
