so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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