I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
