Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
