Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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