I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The power of my boobs compel you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
