He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
