how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
