Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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