Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
