I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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