Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
