I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
