Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
