Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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