Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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