youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Enjoy the penises
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
