Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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