So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How does one acquire holy water?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
