I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
