I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
