So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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