I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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