My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
