Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
