I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
