I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
