Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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