You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
