I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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