My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
