He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
