FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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