i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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