I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That accounts for only three of the penises
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
