a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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